Marriage by the Percentages

Back in December Bonnie and I watched a Hallmark Christmas movie almost every day with our lunch. I like them for the most part—because I like almost everything about Christmas. However, when our preacher exposed his negative feelings from the pulpit towards “those Hallmark guys,” that’s the closest I’ve ever come to saying “amen” out loud in church. 

Probably good I didn’t. The last time somebody shouted “amen,” everybody turned and stared. Not only that, but the preacher lost his place.

(Kidding, but it could happen.)

Those Hallmark guys give everyday husbands a bad name. They never look at their cell phones. They have interesting jobs, which they do only when they feel like it. It’s always something like woodworking or growing Christmas trees. They have perfect hair. They love puppies. These are just some of the things that almost caused me to get verbal in my pew.

(Some of them do drive old trucks. Now that is cool.)

A few weeks back, my men’s group got to the marriage chapter in the book we are studying: The Christian Man by Pat Morley. It says I don’t have to be the H Guy. Yay!!! Even Billy Graham was annoying at times. His wife was asked in an interview for Decision Magazine if she ever considered divorce. She answered no, but maybe murder. No one is the perfect husband.

Mr. Morley addresses spouses who become disappointed in their marriage. He says maybe we expect too much from it, and we should be happy if our marriage grade is a 70%. He got that figure from family systems scholar Edwin Friedman. He asked his wife about it. She replied, “Sounds about right.”

I explained the 70% principle to a friend at a Christmas gathering and asked what he thought of it. He’s been married 47 years so he has a deep pool of experience to draw from. His wife heard me ask him and I don’t know if that skewed his answer or not. He said he’d rate his marriage 100%. His wife echoed that figure. Wow! I told them 100% satisfaction was amazing and thought the conversation about marriage was over.

Before the subject changed, though, his wife said, “Well . . . maybe 95 for me with that Bluegrass music he always listens to . . . Come to think of it, more like 93 with that junk car in the yard.” I don’t think she was done. I could detect some mental calculations starting in him as well. It was time for me to mingle elsewhere. My job there was done.

Mr. Morley gives several guidelines for how to keep your spouse (reasonably) satisfied with marriage, or at least protect yourself from being smothered with a pillow some night.

Strive to make your spouse your best friend. A true friend is someone who will get up and come help you out at 2 a.m. I figure if I have to get up at that time of night for her, at least I won’t have to travel far.

Speak to each other like you would to coworkers. This is a good point, unless you often speak ill words to your fellow employees. Then I suppose you’re not going to be around in that job much longer anyway.

Pray together. This is not always easy. At least start, even if it’s only a few sentences. That’s what we do when we say grace at lunch before we watch Hallmark movies.

Know your partner’s love language. Gary Chapman wrote in The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts that there are five: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. These are the ways we prefer to be loved. We might think we are loving our spouse when we’re actually using our love language instead. Find out what theirs is. (By the way, mine is words of affirmation, for those of you making comments on this blog.)

Keep adding positive fuel to each other’s emotional tank. One way to coax the needle upward is to understand and “speak” your spouse’s love language. When the tank runs low, we get grouchy, and we all know where that goes. I dare guys to ask their wife what drains her tank. She will be more than helpful in composing a list.

Writing this piece reminds me I need to get busy and look for a thoughtful Valentines gift for Bonnie. Just because guys are pulling off a 70 percent—which is stretching it for me—it doesn’t mean we can coast. Morley didn’t say 70% is the goal. It is a good reminder, however, that marriage is not the movies.

I attended a funeral service in which a friend was saying goodbye to her beloved husband. Through tears, she told the other mourners, “Marriage is wonderful. It isn’t always easy, though. Sometimes it takes a lot of work.”

Then, as she wiped another tear from her cheek, she added, “But it is so worth it.”

I thought, Ditto. 100%