Senior Coffee Moments

It was scary. At the age of 55, within mere days of my birthday, McDonald’s counter workers started serving me senior coffees. Without me asking for them.

How did they know? Is that in their training course? Are they told to inspect the ears for hair growth.  Or to be on the lookout for customers with droopy trousers?  Is the shirt buttoned up but each button is one off? That one’s a dead giveaway. That’s probably how they first spotted me.

Perhaps they’re told that seniors will be the ones who may look a little lost or confused, but at the same time oddly contented.

I can add another clue to their list, though I’m sure they don’t even have to tell them this one. We’re the ones standing at the lobby door at 6:00 a.m. when the lady opens it. We want to get our first senior coffee, and then our six refills. 

One guy even brought his cup in from the day before. Maybe he’s just being green. 

After 55 there was one time I wasn’t served a senior coffee. I asked the lady if she had missed the training course. She gave me a poker face: It was obvious that the public isn’t supposed to know about that. After a few seconds, though, she said, “You look too young for a senior cup.” Bless her heart. After I thanked her, she explained. “It’s just that most seniors look, well . . . a lot worse.”

One thing bugs me about senior coffees. When the servers hand you your cup they yell, “Here’s your senior coffee!” Why do they have to announce my demographics to everyone in the lobby?

I needed caffeine pretty badly one day, and I needed it cheap. I asked the guy at our local McDonald’s for a senior coffee. He looked at me and said, “Oh, you mean the one that’s been aging on the burner the longest.” Smart Alec. Actually, I appreciated his humor. He’s the kind of guy who always tries to be funny, whether he actually is or not. Remind you of anybody else? 

Gary, aka Smart Alec, served me a fresh one this morning. Not bad for 69 cents. He must’ve grabbed the wrong pot.

He might be onto something with his senior coffee idea. Perhaps there’s room for some other pots on the burners:

Senior coffee with Geritol. I don’t know if they even make Geritol anymore, but if they do I’d have something to keep me pepped up when the caffeine wears off—which   seems to be happening sooner and sooner as I get older.

Senior coffee with memory enhancer. Mainly so you can remember where you put your cup down.

Beeping cup. Same purpose as above.

VIP  coffee. When they hand it to you, everyone would look at you with respect, and maybe not even notice the fact that you have hair in your ears or droopy pants.

Writing this has made me thirsty. Besides, the caffeine has worn off from my last refill. It’s time to mosey back to McDonald’s. Since I was just over there, maybe I’ll take my cup with me. Where did I put that thing?

I could have a talk with Gary about that beeping cup. But it probably wouldn’t work for me unless I get a hearing aid—or the works from my barber.