Study Hall Shenanigans

April 16, 2020

A gray squirrel family chose to “shelter in place” with us this year. Mom and/or Dad built the nest on top of a large, front porch pillar. It was only a few weeks until I heard the first ruckus made by the babies. Must have been milk break time. What else do newborns have to do but eat and sleep?

Sadly, the noises stopped early April. Mom might have taken her brood and upsized. Maybe they were driving her nuts in those close quarters.

I imagine people moms and dads in our neighborhood can relate, having to keep the kids fed and occupied while being confined to the nest 24/7 during the coronavirus quarantine.

It’s not just the quarantine; it’s the time of the year. I know from my years of teaching middle-schoolers that they tend to get squirrelly when the warm spring breezes start to blow. And they make the teachers want to climb the nearest tree!

I didn’t think I was that way in school. According to a couple classmates at my 50-year reunion, though, I could be a brat in class sometimes. But who do you want to believe—them, or me the preacher’s kid?

~~~

I admit it’s remotely possible that I fired a few spit wads and launched a paper airplane or two in regular classes. But I do know for sure that my behavior in study hall was impeccable.

There were a couple reasons. The first is that if I worked hard enough I could get all of my homework done and have the rest of the day free. The second was respect for life—mine.

The school superintendent was our monitor. Mr. Kammeyer was a dignified, sturdily built older gentleman who commanded everyone’s respect in the way he carried himself. But so did King Kong.

Mr. Kammeyer was always friendly to me. In fact, I don’t remember him ever yelling at anybody. But we did know we didn’t want to draw the slightest attention to ourselves with any kind of misbehavior. We had all seen the movie.

Occasionally Mr. Kammeyer would walk out in the hall to talk to a teacher. He always closed the door a little. If I had work, which I usually did, I stayed on it. But sometimes I just had to run with the herd.

No one knew when the discovery was made. Maybe it was just innate in teenagers. But if everyone in the room contributed a little motion with their feet, the windows would shake. With an entire wall of glass, a 5 on the Richter scale was easily attainable. No damage at that level, just a lot of rattling.

Window tremors ended magically when Mr. Kammeyer stepped back into the room. He would walk to his desk and open his book or newspaper to where he left off. Everyone got back to work, thankful the rattling had stopped in time and we would see another day.

One day though, and it was this time of the year, the tremors started up with Mr. Kammeyer in the room.

It was as if the windows were making our feet move. I shot a look at George and Frank, knowing this could be the last time I’d see them this side of glory.

The windows stopped rattling the second Mr. Kammeyer looked up, as if afraid themselves. Every kid’s eyes were glued to their work as if their lives depended on it. Mr. Kammeyer, in his typical, unhurried manner, calmly laid his book on the desk and stood up. We had awakened the giant.

I asked myself if a little window rattle was worth dying for. I even promised God I’d give up spit wads if I survived. No one breathed as Mr. Kammeyer slowly walked the perimeter of his realm, daring the windows to rattle again.

After doing a full 360, he sat down. I peered over the top of my glasses for a quick peek. Everyone was working, even the jocks. Everything was okay now. We had awakened the forces of nature, but Mr. Kammeyer had calmed them.

~~~

As far as I remember, only one person ever took on Mr. Kammeyer.

It was a very strange event. Sometimes I think I must have dreamed it. We just didn’t intimidate our teachers. That’s why we were all so shocked at what Kenny did, and maybe even more so at what followed.

I paid little attention to Mr. Kammeyer that day as he walked between the long rows of desks, checking our work. I was busy so there was nothing to fear. In 15 minutes I would be outside enjoying that bright spring day on my bike. 

However, the sun hurried behind a cloud when Mr. Kammeyer stopped at Kenny’s desk and told him to stand. His voice was not loud, but it had a firmness to it that got everyone’s attention.

Kenny was a solidly built kid. He was quiet and never bothered me. Still, he had a look that told me that he would not be a person to tangle with.

I don’t know what Kenny had done, but now the entire room was watching King Kong and Godzilla stare each other down. I was less than ten feet away. I willed away my urge to tremble, afraid the window tremors would start again.

Something was said between them, but it was in monster language I didn’t understand. Then the unthinkable. Kenny cocked his arm and delivered a huge blow to Mr. Kammeyer’s jaw. Mr. Kammeyer rocked back two inches at most. The staring continued.

My brain could not process this in real time. I knew, though, from my Dad’s prophecy sermons that this might be the start of Armageddon.

No one in study hall breathed. The two behemoths stood toe-to-toe, each one expressionless. Then, to everyone’s amazement, Mr. Kammeyer cocked his arm and delivered an equally crushing blow to Kenny’s jaw. Kenny rocked back two inches himself.   

Each scrutinized the other. Afraid I would be collateral damage, I promised God I would give up paper airplanes too if somehow I got through this.

As suddenly as it started, though, it was over. As Kenny sat, Mr. Kammeyer turned and walked in his unruffled manner back to the desk, picked up his book, and continued where he had left off.

Kenny was in his seat the next day. He still wasn’t studying, but he was sitting up a little straighter.

~~~

Sometimes I miss the excitement of my school days and my teaching years. But I am enjoying retirement as well, even though Bonnie and I are still hunkered down at home. I love the front porch but I miss my squirrels. I wish they’d stop by for a visit.

Maybe if I just sit here and act like a nut. I got a lot of experience in school.