The BT Hiker Weight-Gain Plan

March 15, 2013

The other day I saw a TV commercial about diet and weight. What really grabbed my attention was that they were charging $19.99 for a bottle of tablets to make you gain weight–No, wait! If you ordered right then you could get a second bottle free (except for shipping and handling) and gain twice as much. Happy, non-paid non-actors proudly showed their new, curvy physiques, all thanks to the high-calorie weight-gain tablets.

You can go that route if you want, or you can do what I did: hike the entire 1,444 miles of the Buckeye Trail. (Probably any old 1,444 miles would do, but I do highly recommend the BT, if for no other reason than the bountiful servings of pie that you will find around the loop, especially in the northern and western parts of Ohio.) This program worked for me*–AND IT WILL WORK FOR YOU! Here is the simple plan, free to the first 100 users. I just ask that you send me photos of your amazing results so I can use them in my future advertisements.

First, set aside roughly 144 days to hike the trail. Try to set up three-day trips when you can; that’s what worked best for me. One or two day trips didn’t seem to justify the eating necessary for this program to be successful. And I noticed that when I added a fourth my metabolism slowed, causing my appetite to wane. That was counterproductive.

The weight-gain actually kicks in even before you leave home when your spouse asks you if you want an extra helping of meatloaf. Check the calendar to see when your next hike is. If it is less than two weeks away, say “Yes, make that two extra pieces.” Then let the eight most important words of this plan flow from your lips: “I will burn it off on the hike.” Learn these words well; they are crucial to your success. For the rest of the two weeks, eat extra so that you will be ready to withstand the calorie drainage of long days of trekking.

When hike day arrives, plan to meet your buddies at McDonald’s. The yellow arches are strategically located almost everywhere near the blue blazes of the BT. Believe me, I know. Try to get there first and start drinking coffee. You will then need hotcakes, sausage biscuits, and maybe some oatmeal or Egg McMuffins to soak up all those free refills. And you do want to soak up the refills because as soon as you get a mile or so into the hike, all the coffee that was not soaked up expires. (Ironically, on the trail, especially in mixed company, you say that you have to hang back and “look for a McDonald’s.”)

Lunch hopefully will happen at a buffet. If there aren’t any close by, you will have to get a little more creative than just obliterating an entire chicken and two plates of mac and cheese. For example, let’s say you end up at a Max & Erma’s. When the waiter asks whether you want an “Erma” portion or a “Max,” give him a sincere look and say that you want both–it would be a shame to break up such a nice couple. Use your creativity at other restaurants as you go. And keep saying those eight words. When your hiking buddies get tired of hearing them (or your wife–I speak from experience here), try saying them under your breath. It works almost as well.

This type of calorie intake goes on for the duration of the three days, but it doesn’t end when the hike does by any means. You are coming to the post-hike celebration. If you happen to be around the northern terminus at Lake Erie, you might try Pickle Bill’s Lobster House. I got amazing results from their fried dough with cinnamon butter. But don’t worry. There are equally-effective eateries to celebrate at all around the state. Finally, when you get home, eat a little extra for a few days just to guarantee the desired result. But now use these five new words: “My body is rebuilding itself.”

Do this for each hike all of the way around the Buckeye Trail. And don’t forget the big party you will have when you take the last step of your 1,444 miles. Mine consisted of unlimited pizza and cookies in the park. You will have a curvy physique like mine (a spare tire has a nice curve, don’t you think?) Don’t even bother with the weight-gain pills. They can’t be as much fun as my plan.

*Weight gain was unwanted