Dap’s Yapp App

I have a friend who complains that he talks too much. He tries to corral his tongue, but with certain people and situations words run loose out of his mouth anyway. He wanted me to suggest ways to help him keep them fenced in.

First, I asked him to list some of the triggers for those verbal stampedes. Here’s what he came up with:

Witty people. He explained that he can’t just simply listen and enjoy their gift. He feels he has an obligation to be witty too. So he rambles on, hoping that some clever words will find their way out of his mouth. When they finally do, he repeats them at least two more times to make sure everybody heard it and gets it. I sympathized, but assured him that could happen to anyone.

Authority figures. Take policemen. When he gets pulled over for speeding, he babbles in their presence and says stupid things. He just can’t help making excuses, even though it usually just makes things worse. He told me that his stupidest excuse was probably that he was running late for church. It resulted in a ticket, a lecture for speeding, and a sermonette on proper Christian behavior. I cringed inside for him.

And there’s his boss. One day he joined his employees at the lunch table. After a few minutes of general conversation, my friend decided to join in. He asked the boss how his mom was doing. The conversation stopped. Even chewing stopped. Then his boss said, “Dap (fake name to protect my friend’s reputation), my mom’s been dead for a year and a half.”  I could no longer cover up my cringe.

Witty authority figures. He didn’t need to explain. I didn’t have time enough to listen to him anyway.

Conversation gaps. For some reason, Dap thinks that it’s his role in life to fill in the pauses. If he doesn’t, he starts to sweat, his heart palpitates, and his teeth hurt. So he’ll say anything, praying that at least some of it pertains to the subject. He once dropped a call and talked for two minutes before he realized it was not really a conversation gap. Sadly, it was one time he really was interesting.

Quiet people. It’s like one continuous conversation gap.

This guy was a mess. He needed help. Since it was December 31, I suggested he make a New Year’s resolution to talk less. (I could’ve said to listen more as well, but I didn’t want to make his goal too daunting.) He thought this was a great idea, except that resolutions never work for him.

I told him I understood and that I’d keep thinking about it. I first considered some simple remedies for his past problem situations. He could carry a pocket-sized book of short witty sayings. He could add reading the obits to his daily to-do list. Leaving earlier for church would be a good idea. He might even pack a roll of Duct tape in his glove box for when he’s running late. Na, he’s probably implemented all these tactics by now.

What I needed was a hi-tech solution to curtail his speech. Possibly a new app? A phone can monitor blood sugar, heartbeat, and countless other functions.  Why couldn’t it help stifle my friend’s tongue?

My idea might be called a Yapp App. When installed on my buddy’s phone it would detect babbling, or even too many sentences strung together. A vibration in his pocket would remind him to cease and desist. It could help him anywhere, but would be especially useful at social gatherings.

Since ingrained habits are hard to break, we might have to get more serious. If the vibrations are ignored, the app would start dispensing slight shocks. There could be different levels of pain. I would be in charge of the settings, ha ha. What are friends for? (My wife just called me sadistic.)

His problem is pretty bad. Bad enough that he could probably suffer through the pain and keep talking. In this case, the app would jump to the next level. The phone would emit disgusting noises, loud enough for people within 10 feet to hear. Everyone would move away. He would have no one to talk to. Forced into silence. (Sadistic and gross.)

Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, said, “Silence is safer than speech.”

Proverbs 17:28: “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.”

If they do ever invent that app, it sure will come in handy the next time I’m caught speeding to church.

Feature photo by KamranAydinov on Freepik