Skating into the New Year

I keep reading about New Year’s resolutions and how impossible they are to keep. Like I didn’t already know that. One article recommended just setting goals. Another softened it even more and suggested settling on good intentions.

I don’t think it matters what I call them. I almost always break them. That’s depressing because this is the time of year I reflect on where I’ve been and how I might best become a better me.

It’s time for a radical new plan. Actually, it’s rather simple. I don’t know why this solution has evaded me for so long. I will make my resolutions easy and have a fun 2026. Maybe this time I will actually keep them.

Resolution #1: Increase my Internet time. 

When I start writing or doing some Bible study, I won’t feel bad when I get distracted by the latest YouTube video. There’s so much to enrich my life by clicking on AI generated images, like what Martha Stewart or Cher would look like without plastic surgery. Or reading about John and Paul’s biggest argument.

Starting January 1, I won’t feel guilty about it anymore. I may even purposely search for new online things to waste time on. There’s an Internet full of them. I can’t wait till 2026. 

My phone will confirm that I’m keeping my resolution when it notices my ravenous thirst for stupid videos, though it also might warn me that I’m not getting enough sleep. That’s OK. I’ll catch up in 2027. 

Resolution #2: Get less exercise. 

So many times my exercise resolutions have failed—but not this year. I’m gonna have fun lounging in my La-Z-Boy. I’ve already started a countdown for January 1.

I’m going to slack off till my phone notices my slothfulness and warns me that inactivity leads to weight gain. Ozempic ads may start popping up, but I’m not worried about my weight. (Go on to #3.)

Resolution #3: Consume more calories.

It’s time to make things easy and eat what I want. I may count calories, though, if only to see how high I can spike the numbers. It will be like a new, fun game.

I’m going to eat while I browse the Internet. It always increases my appetite when I look at the latest gossip about Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift, or read interesting articles like “Why songs in the ‘50s always had teenagers dying.”

If I do have to walk somewhere, I’ll make sure I’m grasping a greasy hoagie with one hand and scrolling fun facts on my phone with the other.

If enough people read this, which probably won’t happen because I have almost no readership, there might even be one person out there who buys into my plan and wants to give it a try.

Disclaimer: This plan is not recommended for people who actually keep resolutions. It’s my plan to fool nature with reverse psychology. I know I’ll break all of these resolutions by the end of the first week. I always do. So by summer I should be slim and energetic, almost up to Revelation in my “Read through the Bible in a Year” app, and finished writing my cozy mystery I started four years ago!

Feature photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash